To whoever designed the computer system on which we create The Greatest Newspaper in the Northwest™

Sir, I dislike you. Indeed, I hold you in the sort of esteem usually reserved for cockroaches and asparagus. I am in no doubt that your sexual habits are of an unsavory nature and your personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. And it is my fondest hope that one day you will be trapped aboard a boat sinking within sight of the shore, and your mother will be unable to summon help as she runs barking up and down the beach with her ears flapping in the wind.

Bye bye, Mommy!

Because nothing is better for your kids than leaving them behind like worn-out furniture.

Dear baby boomers...

Now that record numbers of you are heading off into your retirement, it seems like a good time to note that record numbers of you also failed to prepare for the future. This means that each of us will have to shoulder a much larger share of supporting your aging heinies.

Pregnancy, childbirth, babies, toddlers, teenagers -- they introduce uncontrollable variables into life. Having children is messy and risky, opening the door to kinds of suffering to which non-parents will be forever immune. The choice of sterility is infinitely neater and safer. Like a clean layer of asphalt instead of a garden, it makes no demands; but it doesn't give much back, either.

See, your generation wanted to have fun and stay young, and those pesky, messy, resource-consuming children didn't fit your lifestyle. We were responsibility, and you just had to have your freedom. So you contracepted like crazy, and aborted the few of us that sprouted in spite of you, to save space in your lives for your Beemers and your cocaine and your ski trips to Colorado.

You tried to pass those values on to my generation as well, but fortunately, some of us didn't listen to your "things are better than people" gospel. So now our children who are just entering the job market already have to support their grandparents before they can even think of supporting families of their own.

You're welcome.

Surprise, surprise!

Pointing out the similarities between politics and whorehouses just seems so superfluous.

Death for death? Not likely

I have to wonder if this is part of a plan to avoid getting a conviction. Yes, I said "avoid." If the DA overreaches and Gosnell is acquitted, then he still looks good in the papers without actually having to hold an abortionist accountable.

Seth Williams is a Democrat, bought and paid for with NARAL dollars. The last thing his masters want is anything suggesting a connection between "choice" and cold-blooded murder.

Invade Libya? Are you nuts?

No, just stupid. Try to leave aside the irony of John Kerry calling for foreign involvement, and focus on the sheer imbecility:

Senator John Kerry, D-Massachusetts, called for the United States to impose a no-fly zone over Libya. While he noted that the Libyan people weren't asking for foreign troops, he said they "do need the tools to prevent the slaughter of innocents on Libyan streets."

...

"I believe the global community cannot be on the sidelines while airplanes are allowed to bomb and strafe," said Kerry, who chairs the Senate committee. "A no-fly zone is not a long-term proposition, assuming the outcome is what all desire, and I believe that we ought to be ready to implement it as necessary."

Here's an idea: How about we just mind our own frimpin' business? Interfering in other people's civil wars is an invitation to lose no matter who wins.

Heaven is more happily hootered today

Actress Jane Russell, she of the glorious gazoombas, travels in elephants.

Not only was she lovely to the eye, but it turns out she was also a strong Christian believer and pro-life in word and deed. A class act on screen and off.

Here's the film that propelled her (and her accessories) to stardom, The Outlaw: