Prophetic? Or just pathetic?

I was tidying up this paper heap laughingly known as my desk today, and ran across a column I wrote about four years ago. It's the only thing of mine my editor ever bounced; he felt the reference was too direct. Today, I wonder if it's coming true.

"Good morning, shoppers, and thank you for shopping at All-Mart. We trust you're enjoying your total shopping experience with us today. At this time, we'd like to make a few announcements.

"In our Home Improvement department, all All-Mart brand paints are 25% off today only. While you're there, check with our Home Improvement Financing consultants. They're ready and waiting to assist you with those major repairs.

"In our grocery department, All-Mart brands of soda, diapers, and soap are discounted ten percent for today and tomorrow only. Also, we have just received a new chardonnay from 'Sunset Hills', All-Mart's own winery. Our in-house wine taster describes it as 'demure, with a hint of naughtiness.' We recommend it with all our poultry and fish selections, particularly those being served at Chez Lucre, All-Mart's fine dining establishment located at the north end of aisle 117.

"After your visit to Chez Lucre, consider rounding out your evening with a show. All-Mart Cinemas is now showing the latest in film entertainment; check our schedule for times and features. Also, the All-Mart Players theatre troupe will be presenting 'Secrets and Sycophants,' the hilarious new farce by Jacques Reynard, our new All-Mart playwright. We look forward to a full season of Jacques' work.

"All-Mart is proud to announce that our shuttle service has now been extended to all parking areas, which should cut down considerably on crowding and traffic accidents. Please be aware that these shuttle vehicles have right-of-way at all intersections. For you shoppers in Parking Area F-7, formerly known as Sixth through Ninth streets, please be advised that personal vehicles may be parked only in driveways or designated areas. Curbside parking is no longer permissible, so that our transit service may better serve you.

"Just a reminder, many of you have rental or mortgage payments due in two days. Please make sure checks are made out to All-Mart Mortgage Services, and deposited at the First Bank of All-Mart before the close of business Friday. If you'd like to upgrade your housing, please see our representatives at All-Mart Realty.

"We are proud to announce another stunning victory by our own All-Mart High School football team over their arch-rival, the Giant-Mart Peons. Way to go, All-Mart Minimum-Wage Slaves!

"Due to remodeling, services at All-Mart VersiChapel have been rescheduled. New times and days are listed for each denomination outside the chapel, or ask the clergyperson of your choice at the Religion Help Desk.

"Finally, All-Mart would like to welcome two more former downtown businesses to the All-Mart family: Fred's Jewelers and Independent Appliance. If you know a business that has not yet joined the All-Mart Corporation, please let our Department of Acquisitions know. After all, we at All-Mart are committed to bringing you the best selection, and we can't do that if just anybody sets up shop anywhere they like.

"This concludes our announcements for today. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at All-Mart. Remember, we're more than just your neighborhood store; we're the whole darned neighborhood."