Counseling by phone

While I was cleaning out some stuff, I found this from a back issue of the Wittenburg Door, back when it used to be funny. I thought I'd post it just for the heck of it.

Hello.

You have reached Enormous Christian Center's automated spiritual counseling and referral line. If you were trying to call Domino's Pizza, please press (1) now.

If you have a loved one in the hospital, please press (2) now.

If you have done something you feel ashamed of and you wish to anguish over it without any real resolve to change, press (3) now.

If you wish to complain about another member of the church who does not meet your expectations, press (4) now. If you wish to complain about the pastor, press (5) now.

If you would like marriage counseling, press (5) now.

You already used 5.

No, I didn't.

You most certainly did. Complaints about the pastor were 5.

Well, pardon me. I suppose you never make mistakes.

I can count, if that's what you mean.

Oh, really? Then how do you explain last month's checking statement?

I was still in a stupor from your tuna casserole.

(BEEP)

If you would like to speak directly to God, think very hard about the number (7) now.

If there was no answer at that extension and you are now experiencing a crisis of faith, please press (8) now.

(BEEP)

You have selected menu item number 8, a crisis of faith. This automated service offers various arguments for the existence of God.

To hear a defense of creationism by the biology professor from a nearby Bible college, press (1) now.

To hear about God's message in the awesome beauty of nature, press(2) now.

For a celebrity's personal testimony, press (3) now.

For a pretty lame attempt to deal with the problem of evil in 45 seconds, press (4) now.

To return to the main menu, press (5) now.

(BEEP)

For general counseling, please press (9) now.

(BEEP)

You have selected menu item number 9, general counseling. Please begin describing your life situation. Press the pound key when you are ready for a response.

(#)

Uh-huh.

(#)

Uh-huh.

(#)

I see.

(#)

And how did you feel about that?

(#)

I see. Well, perhaps you should pray about it.

(BEEP)

For church softball league results, please press (1) now. Softball league results are $2.95 for the first minute, 95 cents for each additional minute.

Have a nice day.