Why I'm voting Democrat.

Yep, you read that right. You've seen the viral video that's going around called "I'm Voting Republican?" (If you haven't, there's an embed and a transcript here.) Well, I watched it a while back, and you know, I could see their point. It made me reassess my own priorities, and after careful reflection, I've decided to vote Democrat this year. Here's why:

I'm voting Democrat because I can afford to shop at little local boutiques and whole-foods stores. Can't everyone?

I'm voting Democrat because I don't really want a cure for AIDS or breast cancer. Research just turns up inconvenient findings.

I'm voting Democrat because I think new drugs should be made available immediately whether they've been tested properly or not. Certain ones, anyway.

I'm voting Democrat because I want my little girl to know all about sex before she learns to read. That way, even if she grows up illiterate, she'll always have at least one marketable skill.

I'm voting Democrat because disabled people are kind of icky. Who wants them cluttering up the place?

I'm voting Democrat because women can't be trusted with too much information. They need to shut up and quit asking questions. After all, it's their choice.

I'm voting Democrat because other people's religions are really stupid, and nobody should be allowed in certain professions if they believe differently from me. Not even on their own property. Not ever.

I'm voting Democrat because global depression and food riots are a small price to pay for keeping that oil in the ground. If just one polar bear lives a few years longer, it's all worth it.

I'm voting Democrat because my skin color defines who I am and what I can do. Only a race traitor would try to change his own circumstances.

I'm voting Democrat because tolerance isn't good enough. You must approve of all sexual practices. Or else.

I'm voting Democrat because corporations are evil. Especially the one that signs my paycheck.

Because there are too many brown people in the world.

Because people in other countries don't deserve safety.

Because babies are a punishment.

Because working for money shouldn't mean it's yours.

Most of all, I'm voting Democrat because...

If I don't, my vote won't be counted anyway.