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A morning in the life of our newest Supreme Court Justice, Samuel Alito

6:45: Awoke, had a cup of coffee, looked over a couple of briefs

7:17: Took his morning “porcelain constitutional”

7:53: Called his temporary clerk; citing “inherent authority” granted the Executive under the Constitution, demanded work begin on compiling a database on “non-traditional uteri”—defined by Justice Alito as “those potential gestational chambers that are used for purposes that do not include GOD’S MANDATE that we ‘be fruitful and multiply.’” This includes such abominations as the introduction into the giddyslit of synthetic or organic objects that have the potential to do grievous damage to future conception(s), such as gourds or roughened beads.

8:17: Prank phonecall to Cameron Diaz in which he identified himself as “the Patriarchy Police” and informed her that, now that rape has been legalized, she would need to leave Tuesdays and Thursdays open between 11am and 2 pm (with a working lunch, which would “likely consist of strawberries, whipped cream, honey, or flavored gels").

8:24: Called his car service; readied his briefcase (Saltines, Ativan, legal pads, coat hangers, 9mm Glock), and gave his wife a wholesome missionary kiss.

8:30: Off to bring fascism and theocracy back where it belongs. Because remember: you can’t spell “THIS IS GOD’S LAND, AND THE HEATHENS SHALL LEARN TO TREMBLE AND GENUFLECT BEFORE THE LAWS OF THE LORD” without “USA."*