Things a cop knows

One of my guilty pleasures is reading cop blogs. I don't hanker to be one, but I'm darn glad they're out there. I live in a small town where the cops are often bored enough to hassle me over things like turn signals, and all things considered, I'm just as glad they have the time to.

I don't understand people who think cops are their social inferiors. I always address a policeman as "sir," even if he's like half my age. (Which is beginning to happen.) As far as I'm concerned, people who say things like "I pay your salary, pig!" deserve to get their money's worth, delivered with rubber gloves.

So I got a chuckle when I saw The Enforcer's list of things he had learned as a cop. Some of the best ones:

• The running speed of a German Shepherd is at least twice that of the average out-of-shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting bit.

• If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.

• Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something. Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something. 

• If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friend's last name. 

• If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20. 

• If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't need a warrant. 

• If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer. 

• If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation. 

• Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance. 

• If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not like foot pursuits. 

• If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very excited..it's like Christmas morning.