Wahoo! Who could ask for more?
Tonight is my induction into the Knights of Columbus, which I'm assured is just like being a Jesuit, but it's for married men, which means with licit nookie!
Of course, I won't know all the secrets of the conspiracy until after tonight (and then I'll either have to pretend I don't or kill you), but I think I've figured it out. See, Knights get to wear these blue vests as their uniform. Where else do you see blue vests? That's right! Wal-Mart!
Wal-Mart, you may recall, is only the biggest retailer in the world. They have what, thousands of stores? With millions employees who are disgruntled, underpaid and ripe for the revolution! Once we take over the cheap-clothing-and-housewares market, it's only a short step to wrecking the world economy and installing the Black Pope in Rob Walton's place. What need have we of the Throne of Peter when there's the Armchair of Sam? Then we can really rule the world! (Insert mad scientist laughter here.)
I'm looking forward to having an army of brainwashed minions like the one at right saluting me as I stroll through the auto parts aisle. But that's down the road a few years. In the meantime, I'll settle for some of the lesser perks of belonging to a secret society: Getting to use the carpool lane, getting out of a ticket by making the secret sign to the cop, and maybe even scoring a spot on Jeopardy!
See you at the
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