The Gorean Creed

Found at Small Dead Animals via a link from Kathy:

We believe in Global Warming
the Sea-Raiser, the All-Powerful,
maker of tsunami and hurricane,
of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Cause, The Activities of Man,
the lowest of all creatures,
except the ones that are brown.


Gasses from Coal, not Recycling from Blight, true Cause from true Gasoline, made, not begotten, of Driving when One Could Walk; through Man all pollutions were made.
For us and for our salvation
Gore came down from heaven,
was incarnate of the Holy Nader
and the Virgin Chomsky
and became truly political.
For our sake he was un-elected
under Pontius Harris;
he suffered defeat and was retired.
On the third year he rose again
in accordance with the Documentatrians;
he ascended into Hollywood
and is seated at the right hand
of the Film Executives.
He will come again in glory
to judge the polluting and the recycling,
and his kingdom will have a biodegradable end.

We believe in Global Warming, the Destroyer,
and the taker of life,
who proceeds from the Car and the Industry,
who with the Suburbs and the Factory Farm
is worshiped and glorified,
by the prophets of GREED.
We believe in the scientists who agree with us
and our beliefs.
We accept the starvation of Billions,
for the forgiveness of environmental sins.
We look for the return to subsistence farming,
and the whole grain life of the world to come.

Amen.

Some things there shouldn't have to be a law against.

You honor, we find the defendent really, really yucky.

Here come the brides

No, it's not a scene from southern Utah. These are three young ladies from my office, modeling dresses at a Bridal Show on Saturday. As it happens, one of them is married, one is in a long-term relationship, and one is single (with very strong ideas about chastity). But once they put on that dress, they're all nothing but lovely. So much so, that I couldn't resist putting them up for the world to see.

Father Joe is one sick puppy

Posted without comment:

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

Apparitions: They're not just for Mary anymore

Some E-bayer is offering a biscuit with a miraculous image of Jerry Garcia on it. As of now (obscenely late at night), the bidding is only up to $20. Come on, folks! Is it really too much for a baked legend?

(And just in case my Lovely and Brilliant Wife is wondering, no, that bid isn't mine.)

Interesting

Found this while I was trying to make myself concentrate in the middle of the night at the office.


I find it interesting that Kleptocrats seldom acknowledge that Clinton sent soldiers overseas with a lot less reason than Dubya ever has. My brother was in Somalia and Bosnia during the Clinton regime. Yet it's only when a Republican president prosecutes a war that he's a warmonger.

Cough, hack

Sorry for the light posting lately. The whole house has had the flu except me, whch meanns I've been spending my nights dodging baby barf. Now that the lot of them have recovered (more or less), I've got a bit of it myself. Alas, this is also the Week of the Unmissable Deadline, which means that if I don't have my publication to the press before I go home, the earth will grind to a halt in its orbit and life as we know it will cease to be. Add to that a few coworkers who live serene in the knowledge that their failure to plan ahead is, in fact, tantamount to an emergency on my part, and it all adds up to the sort of week that would make St. Francis kick puppies.

Which leads me to this quote I had to share, from the earlier-mentioned Overheard in the Office:

Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.

Autorantic Virtual Moonbat

Just ran across this when I should have been doing something constructive.



The sad thing is that I actually know people like this. Not many, but a few. There's also a smaller version I'm tempted to bung in the sidebar, but it's getting a mite crowded already. A tip of the ol' Akubra to Physics Geek.

File under "brilliant ideas"

How's about we take a bunch of violent felons, compact them into tiny concrete cells together, and then take away their nicotine? What could be wrong with that?

The Hundred Acre Office

The delightful Ricki comes up with some things that would never, in a million years, cross most people's minds. Whether that's good or bad is entirely a matter of perspective.

A couple days ago on Tracey's blog, Kate P. made a comment about Eeyore being an IT guy: "ooooh deeear. We had a viiiiiirus."

That made me giggle. And it made me think a bit:

If Pooh and friends worked in a corporation, what would each one of them do?

I think the Eeyore-as-IT-guy is a good start; most of the IT guys I've known have had that kind of hangdog, expect-the-worst disposition.

Rabbit would have to be in accounting; he seems to have the soul of a bean-counter. And he'd be the sort of chap who'd NEVER come up off money if he could avoid it.

Piglet would be a cubicle-dweller in fear of his job. Or maybe a temp. That kind of almost pants-wettingly fearful attitude (at least in Disney Piglet) seems to suit.

Owl would probably be R and D. Thinks he knows more than he actually does.

Gopher (who I'm going to include, even though I really rather dislike the character in the Disney Pooh movies, and I wish they hadn't dinked with the books quite so much) would be in Infrastructure. He'd be the guy who walks around in a hard hat, shaking his head, because he knows the machinery won't produce at the rate which he's being told it needs to produce at.

Tigger would be one of those annoying HR types - who's all hepped up about MORALE and FUN and MAKING WORK LIKE PLAY. The kind of people that the cubicle-dwellers roll their eyes over when they hear him bounding down the hall. He'd be the kind of guy who buys an "office dog" until it turns out that Piglet is violently allergic to it. Or the kind of person who tries to initiate Trust Exercises and Kanga is all worried about Owl groping her during the "trust fall."

Kanga would be the token female on staff (kind of like the engineer-lady in Dilbert). Being a single mom, she'd probably be all agitatey for on-site day care, and flex hours, and stuff. She'd have to be a little strident just to make herself heard.But secretly, she'd be the one who'd keep the office fridge stocked and she'd be the one to make sure that Piglet got fed something after having a midafternoon low-blood-sugar crash.

And that leaves Pooh. I suppose, being a bear of little brain and all, he'd have to be the CEO. (Or maybe Owl would be the CEO, and Pooh would have to be a cubicle-dweller along with Piglet; I've not totally worked that out in my mind.)

So, that's the Hundred Akre Wood meets The Office.

I've carefully avoided the halls of academia ever since I graduated, so I have less context for her "Winnie the Pooh on Campus" variation, but it's still a hoot. Read the whole thing here.

Quickie prayer request

Gotta put this up fast. I just got a call that my sister is in emergency heart surgery, having a pacemaker put in. This is especially heavy, because between us, she's the one who takes good care of herself. I'm more a bacon-and-eggs kind of guy, myself. She's only 33, not really old enough for this yet. It looks like she'll be all right, but she and her husband are in the process of adopting a little boy, and this could put the adoption in jeopardy. Prayers would be appreciated. Thanks!

Update: Well, it looks like my mother (who called me about this) was panicking more than necessary. Yes, she had a pacemaker put in, but she was going to do it anyway; they just sped it up because she was showing some danger signs. Looks like everything is fine.

Signs of intelligent life on earth

If I owned an airline, this pilot could name his own price.

The armed hijacker of an African aircraft was overpowered by passengers and crew last night when the captain of the jet deliberately braked suddenly on landing in the Canary Islands.

Ahmedou Mohamed Lemine, a 20-year veteran of Air Mauritania, realised during his conversations with the 31-year-old hijacker, who was seeking asylum in France, that his assailant did not speak French and that, on the moment of landing, he would be only person not wearing a seatbelt.

So in the minutes before touching down at Gandó Airport, on Gran Canaria, Captain Lemine briefed his mainly-French speaking passengers and crew over the public address system that he would slam on the brakes as soon as he landed and then quickly accelerate, hoping to knock the man, who had two automatic pistols, off his feet.

The plan worked and, according to Spanish officials today, the hijacker, named as Mohamed Abderraman, tumbled over and dropped one of his guns before six men, including a Mauritanian mayor, stormed the pilot's cabin and threw a pot of boiling water on his groin and chest.

Just put it back. They'll never know.

Apparently you don't have to pass any IQ test to be a dog groomer in this state.

Making my stomach muscles hurt

About a week ago I discovered The. Funniest. Website. On the. Entire. Internet. I swear this is the last time I'll look at it at work, because I just had to disguise hysterical laughter as a coughing fit, and my co-workers thought I'd taken up smoking.

It's pretty bawdy in places, but it's worth it even for the pure-minded. (Which, alas, I'm not.) See if you can read it with a straight face.

Now I'm going back to work. Honest.

Update: This companion site makes me really, really happy I live in the rural northwest. New York sounds like the level of hell Dante never saw.

It's amazing what something like this will do for your prayer life

Shamelessly stolen from Mike. Go read the excellent post it's attached to, too.

Now that's a woman with a drinking problem

Is there a version of Al-Anon for this?

Bruce Metzger, R.I.P.

I can't help imagining that he's immediately locked himself away in Heaven's library, reveling in finally having all the knowledge he pursued on earth.

Did I read this right?

Did the San Francisco Chronicle actually publish this?

Armageddon may be just around the corner.

Making Valentine's memories... all over again

After the last post, my credentials as a romantic are probably shot to heck and gone, but I still got misty at this.

Doomsday is coming next Wednesday

As the dreaded day approaches, ponder this from Hog on Ice.

There are two kinds of men in America. Those who have been sweating all month, trying to come up with something for Valentine's Day which will suffice to sustain their sex supply and avoid a nasty outbreak of bitch-bites. And those who have forgotten the holiday is coming and who will soon wish they were dead.

The worst thing about Valentine's Day is that it destroys all relationships which began in December or January. Men sit quivering in their homes, asking themselves, "Is it too soon for this? Is it too soon for that? Is this expensive enough? Is this too cheap? If I ask her out on Valentine's Day, does that mean I think she's my girlfriend? If I don't, will she vandalize my car?" And they always make the wrong decision, partly because women specialize in declaring male decisions "wrong" after the fact. For tactical reasons.

Screw it. I say "stay home." Tell her you were abducted by aliens and that you'll take her out again as soon as your butt feels better.

Women love vandalizing cars. At least in America they do. Asian women--about 75% of them, according to a recent study I just invented--choose instead to cut the man's penis off. I think that's because Asian men generally don't own cars.

The car thing is infinitely preferable. You'll never see a urologist look at a severed penis and go, "Oh, yeah. That'll buff right out."

Anyway, protect your penis. Make sure you have a nice car you park outside, and it's even better if you have a joint bank account she can clean out without telling you.

My Lovely and Brilliant Wife knows where I park my truck, not that she could do much to make it look worse. And cleaning out my bank account would be kind of pointless, really. So I guess I'd better behave myself.

Steve Martin hasn't lost it

That whole 72-virgins-in-paradise-for-the-suicide-bomber thing may be overrated.

The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be

Guess whose birthday it is today! Stop on over and razz her about her age!

See? Prayers do work!

Update on Mary Claire: Apparently she's doing better than anybody could have predicted. Thanks many times over to everybody who prayed! My Lovely and Brilliant Wife has a little more information.

Leaving power, or staying power?

Mike Barrett, our resident radical, has an excellent post up about hanging in there. Check it out.

No children, no marriage? Works for me

From here in the upper-left-hand corner of America comes more screwiness. This time it's a ballot initiative filed by homosexual "marriage" proponents:

OLYMPIA (AP) — Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced an initiative that would put a whole new twist on traditional unions between men and women: It would require heterosexual couples to have kids within three years or else have their marriages annulled.

Initiative 957 was filed by the Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance, which was formed last summer after the state Supreme Court upheld Washington’s ban on same-sex marriage. In that 5-4 ruling, the court found that state lawmakers were justified in passing the 1998 Defense of Marriage Act, which restricts marriage to unions between a man and woman.

Under I-957, marriage would be limited to men and women who are able to have children. Couples would be required to prove they can have children to get a marriage license, and if they did not have children within three years, their marriages would be subject to annulment.

All other marriages would be defined as “unrecognized” and people in them would be ineligible to receive any marriage benefits.

Here's the text of the initiative.

It's meant to make some sort of puerile statement, but I think it might have some merit. People who have children not only have a stake in the future, but are doing their part to ensure its stability. Every so often some prissy non-breeder will sneer at my seven kids, and I'll be forced to point out that, in a few years, they'll be paying for his Social Security. Without children, there's not much point in being here in the first place.

Savor the irony of this money quote:

Gregory Gadow, who filed I-957 last month, said the three-year timeframe was arbitrary.

“We did toy with the idea of (requiring) procreation before marriage,” he said. “We didn’t want to piss off the fundamentalists too much.”

No? Exactly how much did you want to piss them off, Gregory? Enough to take you seriously? Yeah, this'll do it.

If this is shot down, I think I'm going to file another initiative. In order to receive any government benefits whatsoever, the recipient must prove that he or she has not actively avoided procreation. In other words, they must be heterosexual, either married or at least have had serious relationships, and not have practiced contraception during childbearing years. I don't want to discriminate against the genuinely infertile, but as far as I'm concerned, if you're intentionally not doing your part to ensure a future tax base, then any resources you consume are wasted. The non-procreator is, in the long run, nothing more than a parasite. Gregory, for all his high opinion of himself, is just another drain on society. And we, those lowbrow breeders who fill the McDonald's Playland and fuel the Pampers profit margin, are enabling him to feed off us. In exchange for which, instead of appreciation, we're expected to praise his uselessness. We produce, he consumes, and he thinks that proves his superiority.

An Afterthought: My wife thinks I was being kind of heavy-handed when I posted this earlier today, and I really was. I do know a number of people who don't have children but who nevertheless make the world a better place. (Yes, Emily, I'm thinking of you.) I also know people who contracept for a limited time intending to have children when they feel more ready for them. That's their call to make, not mine.

As far as I'm concerned, though, the sort of people who denigrate my family for its size have no business expecting those same children to support them when they get old. Those people are cordially invited to apply to the Terri Schiavo School of Economics.

And as regards the original silly-ass initiative by the gay-marriage crowd, children are an integral part of a marriage. Some marriages are not blessed with them, and that's the way it goes, but a childless marriage is neither the norm nor the ideal. That these people take it for granted that children are a liability only shows their extreme tunnel vision.

For you frequent flyers

Stolen from Father Joe:

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, I urge you to quietly pull your laptop out of its bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring that the irritating person next to you can see it), and hit this link.

Father, you oughta be ashamed of yourself. Hee, hee!

I feel so... common!

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 631 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Actually, that's not bad for having the 16th most common last name in the country.

It looks like it would work...

... once. You'll never get Kitty to do it a second time.

I'd vote for Tex

If I were Australian, that is. And if he really ran. Check out the campaign speech:

G'Day,

I want you to elect me. Why? Because I promise, if elected, I will spend every day of my term making sure the government does absolutely [fornicating] nothing.

I'm gonna stop government spending in almost every area you can imagine. The government will be so starved of revenue it will barely be able to function. You'll have to pay for stuff yourselves instead of expecting other people to do it. Your money is your money. It does not belong to the government, your neighbour, the unemployed or any other part of the "community". Nobody else is going to pay for your damned kids education, your babysitting, your house or your groceries.

It continues here (and the language gets saltier, so beware). Makes this American proud to wear an Aussie hat.