There are two kinds of men in America. Those who have been sweating all month, trying to come up with something for Valentine's Day which will suffice to sustain their sex supply and avoid a nasty outbreak of bitch-bites. And those who have forgotten the holiday is coming and who will soon wish they were dead.
The worst thing about Valentine's Day is that it destroys all relationships which began in December or January. Men sit quivering in their homes, asking themselves, "Is it too soon for this? Is it too soon for that? Is this expensive enough? Is this too cheap? If I ask her out on Valentine's Day, does that mean I think she's my girlfriend? If I don't, will she vandalize my car?" And they always make the wrong decision, partly because women specialize in declaring male decisions "wrong" after the fact. For tactical reasons.
Screw it. I say "stay home." Tell her you were abducted by aliens and that you'll take her out again as soon as your butt feels better.
Women love vandalizing cars. At least in America they do. Asian women--about 75% of them, according to a recent study I just invented--choose instead to cut the man's penis off. I think that's because Asian men generally don't own cars.
The car thing is infinitely preferable. You'll never see a urologist look at a severed penis and go, "Oh, yeah. That'll buff right out."
Anyway, protect your penis. Make sure you have a nice car you park outside, and it's even better if you have a joint bank account she can clean out without telling you.
My Lovely and Brilliant Wife knows where I park my truck, not that she could do much to make it look worse. And cleaning out my bank account would be kind of pointless, really. So I guess I'd better behave myself.
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