Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Welcome fellow amateurs!

And boy, didn't my entry on the Amateur Catholic blog look, well, amateurish? The e-mail cut off. In case anybody cares, here's what it was supposed to say:
(Sound of footsteps echoing on a stage, followed by feedback.)
Ahem... The Lord be with you. (Congregation: And also with you.)

I'm not a pagan, or a cult member, or even a heretic.I don't worship statues, or recrucify Christ on an altar, or buy indulgences. I don't know Pope Benedict, or Scott Hahn, or the Black Pope. Heck, I don't even know who the current head of the Jesuits is.

I have a priest, but he's also a pastor, like yours, and I also have a bishop and a pope. I don't speak Latin, at least not much, but I can get through a liturgy in Spanish. I attend a Mass, not a service, and I snooze through a homily, not a sermon, although my nap is a lot shorter. My pastor is a Jesuit, but he's not interested in taking over the world. If he ever achieved global power, he'd probably forget where he put it. He also doesn't molest children, although I've seen him assault a plate of cookies with a ferocity that would do credit to the Mongol hordes.

I can wear little medals of saints around my neck with a clear conscience. I believe in honoring Mary, not worshiping her. I've never burned a heretic or sacked Constantinople in my life, and I don't know anybody who has. A miter is a pointy bishop's hat, and a thurible is a holder for incense, and I pronounce it "a-GUST-in," not "AW-gust-een."

The Roman Catholic Church is the largest religious organization in the world, the oldest Christian church still in existence (no matter what the Orthodox say), and the preserver of Christian civilization in the West.

My name is Joel, and... I... am... a Papist!

(Congregation: Uh... yeah. Amen.)

And no, I'm not a Canadian. I just rip off their commericals. In true amateur fashion.

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